Device that “smells” snake oil could identify terrorists
SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to “smell” human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting “fear pheromones” in sweat. “The challenge lies in the...
View ArticleScientists surprised to find men attracted to women with big tits
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover. Researchers from the University of Metro, writing in...
View ArticleDating site matches people through E. coli tests
KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a...
View ArticleShroud of Turin proven genuine after Large Hadron Collider switched on
SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton...
View ArticleTurnbull still stuck with Liberal leadership
MUTINY ON THE TITANIC, Blighmey, Tuesday (NNN) — Australian Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has fended off a leadership challenge by the clever tactical expedient of making sure no-one wants the...
View ArticleUK announces clampdown on “science”
RAGE AGAINST THE DIFFERENCE ENGINE, Goldacre, Friday (NTN) — The government has adopted a “zero tolerance” approach to science in the UK, in the hope of purging the country of it completely before they...
View ArticleBaron Silas Greenback sues Royal Institution for competence discrimination
BAKER STREET POST BOX, Goldacre, Saturday (NTN) — Baron Silas Greenback will be suing science advocacy organisation the Royal Institution for daring to make him redundant merely for having run the...
View ArticleNeanderthals “died of makeup”
ANSWERS IN REVELATION, Bob Jones University, Sunday (NTN) — American Conservative archaeologists have unearthed evidence that Neanderthals wore makeup and jewelry, directly leading to their moral...
View ArticleEarth Hour activists “go green” by producing more CO2
AN INCONVENIENT TROUT, Gulf Stream, Saturday (NTN) — Today for Earth Hour, people around the world will “show their concern for the environment” as a substitute for doing anything that would actually...
View ArticleBrown condemns Iceland over terrorist volcanoes
ALÞING, Heathrow, Thursday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has condemned Iceland’s terrorist attack on British air travel and their refusal to refund tourists’ air tickets. The UK government used...
View ArticleClimategate scientists inexplicably cleared
PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER, Global Warning, Thursday (NTN) — Climategate, announced in front-page headlines by every newspaper worldwide, has ended with the scientists involved being cleared of all...
View ArticleInnovation not important, says science minister
EYE OF NEWT, Salem, Friday (NotScientist) — Science Minister David Willetts says Britain should give up this “science” rubbish and copy everyone else. “It worked for the … Well. I’m sure it worked for...
View ArticleHawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological...
THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking’s claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant...
View ArticleTime traveller spotted in 2010 YouTube video
REGAL ZONOPHONE, Pathé News, 1928 (NTN) — An alleged time traveller has been spotted not using a mobile telephone in a 2010 video on YouTube. The apparent time traveller, clad in a hat and coat, walks...
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Babies malicious little shits out to destroy you, scientists confirm
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, The Next Room, Thursday (NTN) — Babies who wake up during the night to be fed really are seeking to consume all possible resources including your sanity, a new Harvard study confirms....
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Artists’ beards evolved to be “structurally different”
WELL I NEVER, The Train, commuter time (Metro) — A ridiculously small study in evolutionary psychology has found artists’ beards to be unique in the animal kingdom. The study, published in the Journal...
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Future advanced cyborg human emulations to keep being arseholes
JETSON, Bay Area, the future (H Minus) — Scientists, or self-taught philosophers who’ve heard of science anyway, predict a dazzling future for humanity — in which our computer-augmented future selves,...
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Scientists: Tony Abbott evolved to have a punchable face
OLDUVAI GORGE, Warringah, Monday (NTN) — A new theory suggests that Tony Abbott’s ancestors evolved remarkably punchable facial features, accounting for people’s deep desire to do so today. The bones...
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Cognitive illusion: Clickbait colour debate goes global
HOT HOT HOT, Cyberspice, Friday (FuzzBleed) — Some timewasting clickbait about the colour of a dress has become an Internet sensation, because not only is it Friday, but the idea of doing work at work...
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Science: University press offices just trolling us now
WELL I NEVER, Where’s The Nemi Cartoon, morning train to work (NTN) — With a new study headlined “drink this much to look attractive,” the clickbait fodder that university press offices turn actual...
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